I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
