FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just found puke in my bra..
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
