Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
