I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
