I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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