T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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