When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
