I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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