I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
