Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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