she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
