I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
