K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
