I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Randomize
