Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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