I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
