Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
