I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
