We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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