i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
