my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
