Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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