WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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