he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
