There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
