This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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