I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
