I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
