so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
