one two three fourrrrnication!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
