: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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