I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
barbara walters just said penis...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
