I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
