Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
