I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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