Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize