I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
