Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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