just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
