its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
