....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
