yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
