An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
