New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
