party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
