My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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