I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize