having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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