Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
