are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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