Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
