I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
