I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We're too hungover to prance.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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