hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
