so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
