omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
