sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You ruined the universe
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
