Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
