I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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